May 1st

I found myself sitting quietly by the table late this afternoon - feeling more than a little sad.  It was four years ago today that my dad passed away.  I thought about him all day . . . fighting back tears one moment, then smiling to myself the next.  I think about him and picture him with a smile on his face when he teased me about something . . . or when I said or did something that he got a kick out of.  He was a man of few words . . . but I knew when he was happy, I knew when he was upset with me, and I knew that he loved me - even though I can only remember him saying it one time.  I can remember holding his hand when I was little.  I remember the last time I saw him . . . knowing it would be the last time and feeling lucky that he was my father. 

 He may not have said the words . . . but I did. I know it made him feel uncomfortable, but whenever I told him goodbye I would tell him that I loved him and give him a hug.  He would shrug his shoulders, respond with an short "yeah", and then make his exit. 

Not long before he got sick I was home visiting . . . and helped my parents with a few things that needed to be done.  When it was time for me to leave for the airport - we got through the awkward hug and I was walking out the door and looked back at him.  He thanked me for helping them . . . and he looked at me differently that time.  It was one of those moments that touch your heart.  I loved him so much . . . and even though I always said the words . . . I hope he knew how much. 

So . . . as I was sitting there feeling sad and missing him . . . I looked out the window at my little garden and felt better - because it reminded me of him . . . He would probably get that little smile on his face if he could see my little garden and he would probably tease me about it.  His garden was big and full of everything that just seemed to grow because it knew it was supposed to.  I loved to walk down to his garden lot and see him there . . . there he always seemed a little more at ease.  I miss you Dad!

I'm going to have zucchinis, tomatoes, hot peppers, and lots of giant sunflowers

 . . . and more hydrangeas.