God's timing . . .

My son Luke . . . 

Sitting here looking at this picture of him I don't even know where to start and have been going back and forth on how to share this photo.  I mentioned in an earlier post that the end of last year brought some changes.  One of those changes was my son going into rehab. 
Obviously this is very personal . . . but feeling like I want to share it. 
There are of course a lot of negative perceptions commonly associated with substance abuse and addiction.  But what about when the addict is someone you love?  What about when the addict is your child?  What about when you can see past the addiction and see the hurt and pain and it nearly kills you because you can't help? 
I have spent years trying to figure out why this happened to him.  He really was not an "at risk" kid.  I have been through guilt and embarrassment.  We tried tough love . . . We enabled him (I can be very good at that.)  I have tried to figure out where love and support ends and enabling begins.  I think anyone who has been in this situation wishes they could figure that one out. 
The last few years . . . he was trying.  I could see that he was trying, but I could also see that what he was doing wasn't going to work for the long haul.  I do believe he could see that also . . . but hadn't really faced it.  Last summer he told us he was going into a rehab.  They recommended he stay 30 days . . . he told them he wanted to do 90.  He ended up staying for 60.
He is 7 months clean and sober.  I wish I could say it was easy . . . for him . . .  and for me.  There is a reason they say . . . "One day at a time." 
I will never give up hope . . . and then there is this feeling of being afraid to get my hopes up. 
What gets him through?   Prayer and surrendering his life to God.  Does he struggle?  Yes.  Is he fighting?  Yes.  Do I worry?  Yes.  Am I learning to turn it over to God?  Yes.


So about this photo . . .
Luke has always wanted to perform his music in front of people, but never was able to get the courage up to do it.  This photo was taken a couple of weeks ago at the church he attends.  He also was a part of the worship team at another church this past week where he attends Celebrate Recovery.  I thank God every day for his recovery.  I also turn my son and his journey over to God every day.  It is his journey . . . but oh what it has taught me. 

"I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart.  
And the peace I five is a gift the world cannot give.
So don't be troubled or afraid."     ~ John 14:27

Prayer . . .

I am a big believer in the power of prayer.  I pray more sometimes than at other times . . . there are times when I do not pray nearly enough, and like most people probably, I tend to pray more when I need something than just to tell God thank you!  I also believe that God answers our prayers according to his plan . . . which sometimes may make those answers seem a little vague and unclear.  

Then there are those times when I pray . . . and get such a quick, straight forward answer that I am left in awe.  When I turn things over to God and pray about them instead of worrying about them . . . and trust in his plan rather than mine . . . the answers to my prayers are there for me to see.  It always moves me and strengthens my faith when this happens.   

When you bow deeply to the universe, it bows back; when you call out the name of God, it echoes inside you." 

~Morihei Ueshiba

Look and Listen . . .

I have a few daily devotionals.  I can't say I am always good about reading them daily, but when I do they make such a difference.  When I reach for them because I need them . . . they can make all the difference.  I can't tell you how many times I have picked them up when I have been struggling with something and I read that days devotional and it is exactly what I need.  God talks to us . . . we just have to listen.  Today was one of those days . . .

I mentioned in an earlier post that I had to have a CT scan.  I had my appointment with the oncologist today - decided to read this daily devotional this morning . . .

     You wonder if it is a blessing or a curse to have a mind that never rests.  But you would rather be a cynic than a hypocrite, so you continue to pray with one eye open and wonder:

                                     about starving children

                                     about the power of prayer

                                     about Christians in cancer wards . . .

     Tough questions.  Throw-in-the-towel questions.  Questions the disciples must have asked in the storm.  All they could see were black skies as they bounced in the battered boat . . .

     Then a figure came to them walking on the water.  It wasn't what they expected . . . They almost missed seeing the answer to their prayers.

     And unless we look and listen closely, we risk making the same mistake.  God's lights in our dark nights are as numerous as the stars, if only we'll look for them.

This is what I needed to be reminded of today.

  Life isn't always what we expect it is going to be . . . but I know the hardest things that I have had to go through have made me the strongest.  They have made me understand that I have to trust God to take care of things his way . . . that isn't always easy for me - I like knowing what is going to happen and I like some control of my life, but like I said life isn't always what we expect it is going to be . . .  

My CT scan showed that my lungs were clear.  (melanoma tends to spread to the lungs, brain, or liver).  So that was good news.  I also found out today that it can spread to the adrenal glands.  The CT scan showed that I have a nodule on one of my adrenal glands.  It could possibly be benign - but because of the enlarged lymph nodes and the size of the nodule the oncologist is somewhat concerned . . . I really prefer to see my oncologist smiling and nodding - rather than frowning and shaking his head . . . anyway he ordered a PET scan.  I thought I would be having it done in a few days - but thanks to insurance companies needing 5-6 working days to approve things like that I have to wait a little longer.  The good news - I will get more definite answers as to what is going on.  I'm not very good with the waiting part . . . I'm working on that . . . 

So this is one of those times when I have to look for God's lights - and trust in him

 and count the blessing that I have -  EVERY DAY!

and make the most of EVERY DAY!

and be silly, and say I love you, and forgive, and dance and sing,

and see the beauty in everything around me . . . and so much more. 

We think we have so much time . . . but the truth is we never know that for sure.